Optimization and the Shame of not measuring up

Maybe that bad thing you do isn’t that bad after all

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image of woman (me) in the forest, blurred by light, hands on face looking pretty darn exhausted

I get pretty jazzed when a client has a revelation that brings relief, especially when shame melts. You know what a lot of people have shame around? Not being optimized. 

The cult of optimization creates a lived experience of scarcity. Inadequacy. Lack. It’s heartbreaking. I think we’re meant for far more idleness than most people allow themselves. 

The constant barrage of pressure to optimize is exhausting and dehumanizing. We must optimize our health, wealth, relationships, productivity, creativity, contributions, and progress on any and every metric we deem important. Even the metrics we didn’t know we were supposed to care about. Hacks for everything! Come on down, get your hacks! Beam over, save time. 

Whether we buy into this or not, the messages that surround us are incessant. It’s not just about being active and productive all the time. If you’re not improving relentlessly you’re a lazy piece of shit. That last sentence was crude, but that’s how people talk to themselves on the inside. I should know, they tell me.   

One of the things that’s helped my confidence and self-compassion over the years is coaching others. Getting to hear what it’s really like inside. The fear, the shame, the embarrassment, the self-doubt. The optimized are not immune to this. Those who are doing the most, getting somewhere and constantly besting their former selves usually struggle with pressure in overdrive. 

The truth is that every one of us struggles with something. And these days it seems what a lot of people struggle with is feeling like they’re falling short of their optimized selves. And because we all need a break from having to suit up to be better, we turn to things for reprieve. We engage in habits or activities to escape from the pressure. We stay up too late, procrastinate, scroll, binge shows or food or drama. Then we judge ourselves ruthlessly for it. 

One of my clients, who has a demanding work schedule and has been working with how she wants to spend her time, energy and resources in more meaningful ways, has been skirting the edges of burnout. She was sharing about a pattern she’s tracking where she rebels against the intensity of her work and watches trash TV in the middle of the day. She’s been judging herself. 

We explored what needs were alive that kick up that rebellion and it’s very simply the need for a break. For rest. For her body to change positions and not be striving and leaning forward. If we were trying to “optimize” meeting these needs we might come up with a bunch of ways to take a break that is the best best bestest form of nourishment. And we did brainstorm that. BUT…I think we’re far too quick to pathologize our go-to’s. And if part of what’s getting activated is a rebellion against pressure, all the “perfect self-care” in the world is just going to feel like more pressure.

So I suggested an intentional practice of taking more breaks. We came up with three or four things she could do on those breaks, including watching trash TV. She would simply notice how she feels before the break and how she feels after the break, and since watching trash TV is part of the practice (permission!), she gets to let go of the judgment and see how it feels with that gone. 

I just received an awesome text from her. Not only has the practice been super supportive, but she also has an aura ring and it tracks her stress levels. Guess what? When she takes these breaks, her stress levels go down. They go down if she takes a walk. They go down if she meditates. They go down if she watches trash TV. 

Now, even if that wasn’t the case, I’d still encourage her to engage with this pleasure guiltlessly because she likes it! It’s okay to do things we like! Even if we think they’re not good for us. 

When we consider if what we’re doing is good for us or not, what are we taking into account? Is it an ancient parental voice that’s been directing us since childhood? Is it the opinions and perspectives of “experts”? Of optimization bros or health gurus? Or is it our direct experience? 

I work with people scraping layer after layer of shame away from what they believe they should or shouldn’t be doing. And sure, I love helping people break habits or patterns that cause them suffering, or build habits and patterns that liberate them and their gifts. But often the most vital pattern and habit to shift is the internalization of inadequacy, the identification with stories about who and how we should be and all the ways we’re failing. 

I wonder how many habits people have that are wreaking havoc on their self-esteem where the only negative consequence is the shame and judgement that comes with it. This seems especially true of behaviours of idleness. Watching Trash TV. Reading in the middle of the day. Napping. Lounging about in a feeling state. 

When we can tumble into the deep sigh of our sufficiency, when we have space to indulge in the things we like or are pulled to without shame, this is a kind and sweet way to live. And when we can’t, well that’s okay too because we don’t need to try to win a medal for self-compassion either. 

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Will you indulge me? Is there something you like to do that you judge yourself for? What do you think would happen if you let yourself do it without guilt or shame? Would there be consequences and fallout? For some things there certainly would be. But not everything. Let’s discuss! Tell me about it in the comments.