43 Reflections for my 43 Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. To time-stamp this moment, I did a riff of musings. A few things before we jump in…

I’m hosting an experiment in June about Generosity. You should come!

I have a birthday sale happening. Today is the last day. Here’s what’s 43% off.

Check out these conversations I’ll be having with Laura McKowen over the next couple of weeks all about publishing, authorship and career transitions! Stoked.

Here are 43 thoughts for my 43rd birthday.

1. I think we should all do our future a favour by looking out for little girls who are a bit too much. Too headstrong, too selfish, too annoying, too bossy, the ones that are mouthy and spirited and call people out on hypocrisies. The ones that have total fucking meltdowns when people try to shame them into compliance. We don’t need to socialize those girls, we need to empower them to trust their instincts and know we’ve got their backs. We’re going to need them fully wild. We’re going to need them to lead.
   
   

2. I spend an unreasonable amount of my anxious energy concerned that I don’t know how to seed save. Like, every year I buy seeds, but I don’t save seeds from the food I grow. I’m sure a single YouTube video would fill that knowledge gap but even that feels overwhelming. I wonder if the reason I feel anxious is because it touches the existential dread of the likelihood that this is a skill we’re really going to need. Maybe sooner than we think. 

3. Farts are so funny. 

4. I’ve been meeting with my women’s group for over 14 years. When we began, I was a new mother with a toddler. All the other women are mothers now. We’ve known each other through our maidenhood and now motherhood. One day I said how annoying I thought it was to go from maiden to mother to crone. I said it feels like there needs to be something else in there. Why does a woman’s life go from one who nurtures cares and raises others to one who holds wisdom and is culturally invisible? One of the other women said “There is another one! Don’t you know? Maiden, mother, ENCHANTRESS, crone.” Fuck to the yes. Here’s to my enchantress era.

5. If the places and people you engage with fill you with outrage and shame as your most prominent feelings, those aren’t your places or people (I’m looking at you, social media). 

6. Sometimes the kindest thing I can do for myself is be sad. Be really fucking sad. There’s so much to be sad about. Even kinder is being sad while spooning my dog. 

7. Sometimes I struggle with the concept of “having a Calling”. I mean, I’ve had many and when I’ve followed them faithfully, really amazing things have happened. I’ve built a career out of helping others do that too. But our culture is so obsessed with work and labour as the highest forms of achievement, with earning and wealth as gods, that I think it’s hard for people to hear or heed their Callings. A real quick way to mess with your art or service or inner stirrings is to ask “But how do I monetize this STAT?”

8. Not everything needs to be turned into wisdom and pith. If we’re always striving to “be evolved”, we might miss some very funny and basic shit. 

9. When doing certain poses in yoga, the vagina will suck in air. Who has had this happen and then anxiously tried to let it out without anyone hearing? Maybe queefs are embarrassing because farts are embarrassing. But I think what makes them next level embarrassing is patriarchal shame. We grew up being told we should have tight pussies. To suck in air is to disclose that we hold a vast universe in our cunts. It only happened once, but I think I’ll do it again. When I rolled out of shoulder stand in a yoga class, and graced the silent space with a raucous queef, I said you’re welcome. What a wonderful laugh we had.

10. I’m coming to the humbling realization that I haven’t fully found my voice. I mean, I have a voice, and I use it, but there are spaces and places where I feel I have genuine skill and wisdom I could contribute but I notice the ways I hold back from claiming leadership and taking up space. I’m curious about that. There are conversations I’d like to participate in more powerfully. I also track the way many people behave in those conversations and am astonished by the lack of skill, nuance and perspective-taking capacity. Instead of stepping in and modelling something different, I back away. I’d like to work on this in earnest.

11. I wish I liked peppers. They’re so colourful and crunchy and juicy. They have it all. And yet, I barf a little when I eat one accidentally. They’re in so many things so I seem like a picky eater. I’m not, I just can’t with peppers. I’ve always told my kids that tastes change and you should try foods you don’t like over and over again because you never know when things’ll change. But I’m 43 now. I’m done trying with peppers. 

12. My local water committee consists of only older white men. They’ve asked me to join, they want other voices and perspectives. They’ve treated me wholly with respect. I want to initiate an island-wide water sovereignty project. Everyone I tell about it gets excited and says there’s a need and would like to participate. I even have a world leader in water sustainability ready to teach me. And yet I go into this strange trance around it that I call “just a girl”. Like, I don’t know enough to lead something like this. The need for leadership is right there. The impulse is right there. The support is right there. What’s stopping me?  

13. Co-regulating with plants and animals helps to remind us that we are nature, not separate or superior. Moving from humans being the center story to humans being supporting characters in the wild unfolding of creation soothes my weary nervous system in important ways. 

14. It’s great that people are figuring out it’s more important to teach boys not to rape than to keep teaching girls how to protect themselves from getting raped. I think what would be even cooler is teaching boys about their own pleasures and needs. Teach them about attunement, to their bodies and emotions and the bodies and emotions of their partners. Teach them about various trauma responses including freeze and faun, not just in their partners, but in themselves. Directly point to the social and societal pressure they’re inundated with to be dominant and competent and perform as men. Teach them that it’s not weak or shameful to move slowly, be awkward and not get things right and that they too can say no when they’re uncomfortable. There are very few models for boys and men on how to cultivate true intimacy and safety, not just sexually, and not just for their partners. But for them.

15. When Benji, Yoga with Adriene’s dog dies, I think many of us will need to take some time off and mourn. 

16. I would have never classified myself as a people pleaser or as someone who has tried to behave herself, but holy shit, I had no idea how much energy I’ve given to being good. A good friend, a good mother, a good wife, a good citizen, a good professional. I thought because I’m irreverent and independent that I also don’t take shit. Not true. Give me all the shit, I’ll take it and be kind about it. I’m so freaked out about hurting people or letting them down. I’d like to grant myself a little more grace to misbehave. I think I want a little more ‘fuck off that’s not my problem’ in my personality soup. But do you think that would upset people? I don’t want to upset people. 

17. Learning to die well and becoming intimate with death can be a salve to the indignities of self-commodification.

18. Dominance and submission, oppression as winning, we’re taught that this is just the way of things. The trees and mycelium have very different teachings to share. 

19. Grieving with others is a form of prayer. It honours what’s lost and invites the awe connection. 

20. In the centre of my rage is love.

21. Shit starts getting pretty erotic and wild in midlife. Let’s turn towards pleasure and delight, towards expansion and expression. Let’s take up space and take in praise and admiration. These are dope places to focus energy. Botox is fucking expensive and so is mid-life body hatred. Think this is when we become invisible? Sit yourself up straight and watch us. We have some things to teach about what makes a woman shine and it’s not those weird ass instagram filters and clawing for youth. 

22. When we know something is right and just but we don’t see it being modelled out there, that’s a pretty good sign it’s our moment to lead. 

23. Rest is holy. 

24. I used to wonder if the way I wanted to be loved by my partner was just some idealistic fantasy. Like I’d been brainwashed by love stories. There was always this gap between how things felt between us and what it really seemed like we each wanted and needed. I longed to be adored while simultaneously feeling like I needed to earn it and resenting that he didn’t just naturally feel it. Turns out the answer to this quandary was safety. The more we focused on creating safety together, the more intimate we became. 10 years in, I’m living the love story of my dreams. 

25. Things come together and things fall apart. That is the way. We need to get a lot more practiced at co-regulating and being generous with each other when things fall apart. 

26. Maybe if we made it cool to compete for who could fart the loudest, we could bring more joy and connection to public spaces. 

27. I’ve learned that I don’t have “rail against and fight” energy. I admire people who do. I used to wonder if I was weak or lacked courage for not feeling compelled in that way. As I’ve gotten older I understand that we need many roles and expressions as part of the revolution. I have a joyful spirit. I suspect incisive humour might be my sword. I want to follow it and see what kind of shit disturbing I can do while inviting us all into places of awe and play. 

28. My roles don’t make me worthy. My productivity doesn’t make me worthy. How evolved or conscious I am doesn’t make me worthy. I’m as worthy as an earthworm. I’m as worthy as a sky of stars. I’m as worthy as a heartbeat and drumbeat and an earnest apology. I don’t have to do or be anything to be worthy. Worth is inherent. 

29. Last night I watched children perform in the spring concert. They beamed while searching for their grownups in the audience. I wept. They were so earnest and beautiful. Meanwhile, thousands of children are orphaned and seeking safety. It’s so excruciating to look at both at once. Far worse is to turn away from either. 

30. There are no enemies. 

31. Your son is not more sensitive than most boys. This is how boys are. The patriarchy beats it out of them. Feminism isn’t just about women, our men need it too. 

32. Being privileged does not mean you’re bad, how has this gone so sideways? It means you’re abundant with opportunities to create a world that’s safe and just for everyone. Let’s get busy with that instead of flailing around in shame about how good we’ve got it. 

33. I want 20 chickens, 7 ducks, a few goats, maybe a cow or two. I want a whole farm. Also, I don’t really want to take care of that many animals. Sometimes we shouldn’t get what we want. 

34. Finding what makes you come alive and prioritizing that thing, even if it doesn’t make you money or earn you any kind of props or significance, is the most valuable thing you can spend your time doing. 

35. I have an unreasonable amount of resistance to getting myself out into the garden and it has everything to do with time dysmorphia. Once my hands are in the dirt, time dissolves and things that seemed important no longer are. Internalized capitalism hates that shit.

36. Lots of people are all about building community on the internet. That’s cool. I want to have goodwill and a history of sharing with my neighbours for when the zombies start roaming the neighbourhood. 

37. Part of my engagement with reconciliation is learning about and understanding my own indigenous heritage. Who were my people before my people became perpetrators of colonization? Who and where were my people when we lived with and as nature? What were their practices, and when were they obliterated? What displaced parts of the soul of my lineage are mine to claim and heal?

38. My children have seen my phone screen light up my face more than I wish was true. But no matter what I’m doing when they enter a room, I look up and smile. I want them to see my lit-up face beaming at them like they’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Because they truly are. 

39. What if we reached for each other the way we reach for our phones? Like the most interesting things. Like the possible salves to our anxieties. Like the imminent hit of something even better than the present moment. If we did reach for each other the way we reach for our phones, maybe we could start to break the spell cast by the phones. 

40. Most people are far more avoidant, fearful and ashamed about money than they let on Talking, in detail, about money with my friends has helped to heal this. Maybe we were all taught that it’s rude to talk about money and politics so that we internalize and individualize what are actually systemic and collective issues. 

41. Shame and shopping have a lot to do with each other. If I find myself consuming content that makes me feel like shit about myself, I ask what they’re selling me. First, they’re selling me shame. If I don’t buy that, I won’t be as pliable a consumer. 

42. The measure of my mothering won’t be in how my kids love and respect me. It’ll be in how they love and respect themselves.

43. I don’t want to ascend. I don’t want to reach for enlightenment and enter the kingdom of heaven. I want to rot into the earth. I want creatures to feast on my decay. I want to go back to where I came from. The reverent womb of the mother.