Evolutionary Friendship
Growth, healing and secure attachment in friendships
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What vows should we make with our friends?
I love connection, closeness and intimacy. I also value freedom. I dig relationships where we can be fully ourselves and feel safe, vulnerable, brave and playful. This is true for me across all relationships - My marriage, friendships, with my parents, kids, neighbours, colleagues, clients, heck, even my lawyer and neurologist!
I’m happiest when I show up as myself wherever I go. I’m not into compartmentalization, performative relating or personas. That was the most annoying part of stand-up comedy class when they told me to build a persona. I was like - how ‘bout I just be me, tell some jokes and then you tell me what that persona is? Cool? Authentic-relatable-wee-bit-vulgar-woo-woo-middle-aged-anti-capitalist-who-talks-about-the-thing-in-the-room? Yeah? That an accurate and acceptable persona?
Something I think about a lot, and practice relationally, are attachment dynamics and intentional co-creation in friendships. The world feels disorienting right now. Heart-breaking-rage-making wars, divisiveness and democratic crumbling, Earth on fire while robots take over kind of bullshit. Seems we should double down on cultivating resilient relationships and communities. Like stat.
They say marriage takes work. As someone seven years into their second marriage with their third husband (IYKYK) I can attest that, yes, marriage takes work.
But what about friendship? Do friends ever go to friend therapy to help get through a rough patch? Do friends lay out their attachment wounds to consciously heal together? Should friendship be a place to do deep relational work for personal and collective evolution? Word on the street is we’re more digitally connected but lonelier than ever, so I’d say abso-fucking-lutely.
I’m curious about the roles and approaches to friendship in other people’s lives. I’m curious about folks who aren’t in monogamous relationships, or living in nuclear family situations and how that may influence their approach to friendship. I’m curious about what friendship means to people who come from cultures that emphasize collectivism over individualism.
I’ve been a proponent of evolutionary friendship for a long time. I know that sounds hella pretentious. Like we’re one click away from an Instagram ad featuring white ladies dressed as priestesses selling you a friendship mastermind for $80K a year. But please, bear with me. By evolutionary I mean these friendships are a place of intentional growth, healing, emergence and cultivating collective stability.
It’s a path to deep safety and belonging that I think is desperately needed right now. I know of many friendships that dissolve at the first brush with conflict or fade out when someone gets too much of something or not enough of something else. Doing the work to understand ourselves, our attachment styles and needs in friendships, and creating spaces to do that intentionally with our pals helps to weave a net of relational security.
The nuclear, heteronormative, monogomous, values hangover.
Is it just me or does it seem like there’s a culturally accepted norm that “marriage should be work” but friendship should be easy? That marriage is our everything and friendships are necessary as long as they’re going well?
As far as I can tell the dominant culture is still playing out narratives for what “marriage” is, what it’s supposed to give us, and what kind of “work” it takes to keep things on track. Namely, the “everything” that our partner is supposed to be, the one who fulfills all our needs. Those assumptions are ridiculous and painful and seem to affect the role of friendship in our lives. Are friends a more intentional path of relating for people who don’t meet or play in these norms?
Scrutinizing norms are far more mainstream than my grandparents’ gen who boomed the heck out of the nuclear family. As I hop through the field of middle age, as the bills come due for decades of patterning and attachment dynamics, I know a lot of couples who are earnestly trying to shed roles, assumptions and piles of bullshizzle we’ve collectively internalized about coupledom.
Many of us know we must expand beyond our primary partner to get our needs met. To friendships, extended family, affinity groups, community connections, work partners, and maybe even an ethically non-monog lover or partner. Lots of options to deepen with other people and give and receive from those relationships.
But how much work should be put into friendships?
If our primary partner shouldn’t be our everything, shouldn’t we be practicing navigating conflict, communicating deeply and vulnerably, exploring how we show up in relationships with one another and intentionally growing connections that are safe and resilient?
Do we work at them the way we work at our marriages? I think most people don’t.
I think we should.
There’s a lot of distrust, fear and scarcity in our culture that could be soothed with more safety and bravery in friendship. Our long run of praying to the God of individualism is tired. We’re tired. Instead of looking to wealth acquisition and social status to give us a sense of evolutionary mobility, security and belonging, I believe looking to each other, and co-creating safety nets where showing up, helping out and sharing resources should be a normal and accepted part of the social contract.
I used to fantasize about living in intentional communities where everything is shared, but the closer I’ve gotten to many of them, and heard others’ experiences, I have to be honest that my individualism runs deep. I don’t know how much I’m up for in terms of the kind of relational work that would take to do it well and not implode. However, I remain curious and want to deepen the practice of interdependence with my local community and in my friendships.
Others may be really interested in that degree of closeness and process work. Others still might find my call to lean into friendships as a place of personal and relational growth to be too much and not at all appealing. I think what helps this exploration is to know yourself, your style and what your needs are. And to recognize that others will have their own style and needs. This is part of what I invite you to explore in the practice below.
Just like finding your romantic person, I think it takes some self-awareness and honesty to find your community people.
This practice is one of personal and relational exploration. You can do it on your own, but that’s not the point. I highly recommend exploring these questions with a friend, or a small group of friends.
To set up a space where you can truly safely explore, I recommend agreeing that these questions are a jumping off point for exploration. There isn’t a right answer, anything to diagnose, solve or fix. Bring a posture of curiosity and generosity and see what you can get to know about yourselves, each other and potentially the needs and dynamics between you.
I’m sharing my own journey and answers to these questions and I hope the nuance of my own exploration can support yours and your friendships.
What, if anything, do you know about your attachment style in relationships?
Some theories say we ‘have’ an attachment type: Secure, Avoidant, Anxious or a combination of. I am not an expert at this, I’m a learner. What I’ve experienced myself and the inner work groups I belong to and have seen with my clients is that this can highly depend on the dynamics between people.
I have a pretty secure attachment style overall. In my dynamic with my husband, I tend more towards anxious and he tends more towards avoidant so we bring those out in each other. It’s a dance we’re actively and consciously working with and the more safety we cultivate, the more securely attached we both become.
I enjoy a lot of closeness and intimate connection in friendship, but I also really value freedom and tend to pack my life and my commitments quite fully, which means I can orbit pretty far away from people sometimes. This can feel like avoidance to some people and there are times when it might be.
If I sense there’s something wrong or going on “between us” that’s off, I can become anxious and fawn. If I feel too demanded upon or like there are expectations of me that I can’t meet, I feel impulses of avoidance, though I’ll usually try to lean in and communicate.
In what ways do you struggle with your friendships? What patterns have played out for you and how might your attachment styles be a part of that?
I’ve struggled in friendships that have expectations of ongoing and consistent contact.
Before I had language and understanding of this, I had friendships where they’d feel abandoned and I’d feel wrong. Most of our time spent together was communicating about how I’m not showing up for them enough and I’d assume I’m a bad friend. That was a very confusing time and pattern. I’d try to be more consistent and available but then I’d feel pressured and like I was always failing which made me want to pull away. They would feel hurt and not important. We’d be scrambling in an anxious/avoidant dynamic that made things feel unsafe for both of us, even if we couldn’t articulate it at the time.
Part of my growth has been around more fully owning my style, needs and preferences and not trying to be someone I’m not, while also taking responsibility for how my style impacts people and exploring ways to cultivate safety and connection without asking either of us to step over our needs.
I struggle with relational drama, neediness or cryptic passive-aggressive communication. That doesn’t mean I want friends without needs. I love knowing and meeting the needs of friends. I have so much respect for friends who bravely and vulnerably share their needs, especially if they feel I’m not meeting them. It’s uncomfortable, but invited.
In the past, I’ve been conflict-avoidant. If bothered by something, I’d usually try to work it out on my own and let it go. I’ve been learning how to speak up more and lean into conflict with friends and loved ones, recognizing that trust isn’t built by avoiding conflict, but by being able to engage in rupture and repair cycles. Friends who have more comfort with conflict or direct communication have been helpful teachers.
What are some of your preferences and needs in your friendships?
I like friendships to be easy, playful and deep. I prefer consistency in the tone and feel of the relationship because it feeds a sense of safety and intimacy, but inconsistency in the practicalities and time spent, which feeds my need for freedom. I don’t like feeling pressured to perform.
I have many friendships where we touch in only once every few months or even have a catch-up annually. I deeply love these people. Frequency does not equal closeness or care for me. But for others it does. For them, finding friends who also value frequency and consistency is really important to not feel like they’re in constant abandonment cycles. Owning my style and needs, especially when it conflicts with someone else’s has been a journey.
I orbit. I’m over here for a while, then I move over there. When I’m with you, I want to be deeply and presently with you, but when I’m over there with them, I’m going to be deeply and presently over there with them, which doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, I’m just not available for a while. I’ve been learning the importance of communicating that more directly with people so they can feel my care even if they can’t feel my presence. It’s a learning curve.
Cultivating friendships with others who also orbit, or who can trust that I’ll orbit back has been really sweet.
Context tends to guide who I spend the most time with. I’ve learned this about myself because of the wonderful friends I have who reflect this to me, particularly the ones who’ve felt hurt or confused by my distance or inconsistency. When we lean into conscious conversations about it, we become closer and understand each other more deeply.
I spend the most time with the ones with whom our lives are intertwined in the context of what we’re up to in our life stage and what our interests are. The friends with kids the same age where we do similar activities or family playdates. The friends who also run businesses, where we volley deeply personal voice notes about all-the-things like omg I want to burn it all down, also we’re hiring, do you know someone great who does…? Friends with shared values and worldviews, pals who are coaches or therapists who totes want to chat about intergenerational healing and cultural change over a casual coffee. People who want to walk our dogs together. I like to do things and make things happen and I’m more likely to be closer with people who also want to co-create and get shit done.
What edges do you want to lean into in your friendships to give and receive more deeply and grow as a person?
I’ve recently been saying no to connecting over zoom with people or joining in on things that I’m pulled to but I know will spread me too thin. This has been hard because I love people and want to be connected, but I feel really called to prioritize local connection and community.
At the same time, I want to expand and nurture my business friendships and so I’ve been looking for ways to meet up in person when possible or to do things together in groups.
I’m continuing to work on speaking up when I’m afraid that it will cause conflict or discord. I’m actively practicing with bravery and discomfort and trusting that the relationships I most want to nurture can handle it.
I’m leaning into relationships right now where we’re co-creating or supporting each other’s dreams and evolution, where we know and can help each other with our most tender edges and the places we want to grow to become more of who we are and make the impact and art we’re called to make.